How to Look Hot When You’re Naked
At first blush, you read this title and mutter to yourself ‘Impossirus–no one (and I mean not no body, not no way, not no how, Wizard of Oz-style) looks good naked, let alone hot’.
Well, not exactly.
Not unless you are Brooklyn Decker, the new uber-gorgeous uber-naked cover girl of the coveted Sports Illustrated Swim issue for this year — just out on the stands last week — and plastered everywhere on the news, nets and wavelengths since. Time Life, parent owner of SI, estimates that some 65 million people will see this issue and her cover, worth squillions to her in modelling contracts and endorsements, and bringing in the SI bacon to the tune of 7+ million buckoes. From what the punters say these cover girl’s images are seen on anything from bar coasters to calendars to flavored mineral water to move and sell product. Last year’s cover girl, the fiercely stunning Bar Refaeli, squired recently by Leonardo di Caprio, is rumored to be sizzling that she was over-stepped in lieu of Mrs. Andy Roddick, aka Brookie.
Ms Decker’s half-clothed wunderschon-ness was unveiled from atop a New York skyscaper on a national news late night talk show (erm, that would be Letterman, of course) in the interests of modesty — the hour — and suspense — the day before its release. (Guess the editors and producers thought that school-aged tots being bussed and ferried to their respective nurseries and elementary schools the net morning wouldn’t notice 100 feet of smiling yellow sunshine from Brooke towering above their limos and buses, exposed and half-dressed in a yellow bikini bottom.) It mattered not. She’d look amazing wearing half a yellow foul flag.
But we are not talking total birthday suit here, just a lot of skin. In a pull-out of the mag, she reclines in a woven net hammock, all 5 ‘ 9 inches of her gloriousness basking in a sea green bikini. This photo while alluring did not make the cover. Why? Too much clothing! Not enough nakedness. Naked or at least topless is what sells, and naked is most definitely hot!
For full-on undress, SI offers its readers a special chapter called ‘Bodypainting’. It’s more than ‘window dressing’. It’s full on frontal, up close and and personal — with 18 hours of layered theatrical paint. This year does not disappoint — there are European World Cup footballers’ wives, fiancees, girlfriends and according to the gossip rags, has-been wannabees painted up in their respective men’s ‘strips’. Under all that goop, is an ultra-10 naked body. Yikes!
Not to be outdone by the sporting world, with its Olympian women athletes, dancing stars and catwalk beauties, even Hollywood starlet Ashley Greene of the iconic Twilight franchised films gets her kit on, or off, as the case may be. Sponsor SoBe Lifewater used the same make-up artist Joanne Gair and photographer of 3 of the last 4 selected SI Swim covers Raphael Mazzucco to paint her in its logo gecko-scaled swimsuits for its debut of ‘Skinsuits’ and 2 new zero calorie flavors. Alice Cullen has zero inhibitions, for sure. Who cares about dying!
But the hottest and most naked of all totally drops her shell. Candy shell, that is. Miss Green, of M & M fame has appeared on SI Swim’s (back) cover for years now. Not to be outshone by Ms Greene, above, our demure little sweetie loses her top shell and rolls down her bottom shell, coyly. This Miss Green’s byline on her website (yes, she has a website, Twitter, Facebook accounts and even background wallpaper, plus nearly 8000 friends, for crimminy-sakes!) is ‘ I melt for no one.’
Take that Brookie, Bar, Ashley and others.
Now that’s smokin’ HOT!